the way you look tonight

Someday when I'm awfully low
When the world is coldI feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh, but you're lovely with your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me to love you
And the way you look tonight
With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose touches my foolish heart
Lovely, never ever change
Keep that breathless charr
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight...

This song reminds me of my best friend. It is a song from the movie My Bestfriend's wedding. When this song was play on the movie, the girl and his bestfriend dance in s romantic way while watching it I dreamed that someday I'll be able to dance with him on that song. I wished and hoped that it would be on our JS Prom or Graduation ball. On the night on our JS Prom, the 3rd year guy sang this song. On that moment I wanted to go to him and ask him to dance but that would be illegal or improper besides we're not talking to each other anymore after the break up. Before the song ends, he stand up and ask his new best friend to dance with him right in front of me. I cried while they were dancing. Why would it have to be at my song!?! My world suddenly collapses again! I can't help but cry, after that song I went to the comfort room with some of my friends. I cried and ask God why did this happen? Why does it have to end this way? It's my first and last JS Prom and they've ruined it.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS KILLING ME!!!

the title said it all!

I hate valentine's day because instead of making me feel special and love, it makes me to feel worse about myself, makes me feel unloved. Before I was excited on Valentine's day because I know that there's this special person who loves me so much that would make my Valentine's Day so special and unforgettable but then it turn out the way I didn't expect it to be.

Tomorrow will be a day of heart, a day for lovers to celebrate their love for each other, a day full of love but for me it will be a day full of sorrow and pain-yes, I'm still in pain,it that has been haunting me eversince my boyfriend and I broke up and I'm not ashamed to tell the people that I haven't moved on yet cause eventually I know that I will and that day will come just like in the song "someday" by nina. I'll be able to move on and forget about him, these pain will vanish soon cause I know I can't hold on forever. Even if I could still feel these pain, I'm still lucky to have those people who loves me very much, these persons loves me and understands me even if they know that I haven't gotten over my break up with my bestfriend. Do i need to enumerate them? No, you know who you are..

My Sacrifice!!

As you all know, my boyfriend and I broke up almost 3 months ago. We never talk after that.

Love changes us.. the way we think, the way we act, the way we decide.. sometimes we even go against our principles and beliefs in life. Loving doesn't always mean we'll be HAPPY, sometimes all it provides us is PAIN and MISERY yet, we are BLINDED by strong emotion that we fail to see the reality. Sometimes LETTING GO is the only answer and it HURTS like HELL but you will soon realize that's it is BETTER to see the person you LOVE to be HAPPY with SOMEONE ELSE than LONELY with YOU!! and it's called SACRIFICE.

for my friend, jomanelle

I've never seen
A person who
Has always been
As strong as you
You did your best
God did the rest
We scarcely saw
You not in prayer
And hardly thought
Times could get grayer
Just till lately
It all flowed smoothly
This world you left
As you gasped
For your last breath
Leaving a gap
Which God will fill
In time He'll heal
Just now for us
Time seems to stand
Bearing this loss
Seems to take no end
But then we learn
Though pain sojourns...
We thank You Lord
For keeping Your Word
And granting her peace
Though she'll be missed..
R.I.P. you will always be in our heart..

ECHOES OF OUR HEART

Sometimes when we close our eyes, we tend to listen to the echoes of our heart. We all fall in love, and there are times we love so much that we lose ourselves in our own emotions more often than not, we wonder, why there are love that grows and love that grows cold. We would start to search for answers and try to find were love has gone wrong. But in the end, we find ourselves where we started.We cannot question love, ‘coz it has its own reasons. Love will always be as it always has been silent, mysterious and deeply profound. Many of us believe that love is forever, that love never dies, only to be disillusioned in the end. When we find our hands empty and our hands longing, we mistakenly look at love, that it is a need to be fulfilled, but love is only a gift given to us - we should not hold it in our hands for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave, we should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then, freely open our arms when its time to say goodbye... When we fall in love with someone, we don’t want that feeling to end for it is everything we are and is everything that we want it to be. We pray that love will stay and grow in our hearts but if it doesn't, then we should never let our lives be taken by it, for life should not end where heartaches begin.There is always a reason why we have to move on. When we have to say goodbye to the feeling we wanted to stay forever. Let us not wave our hands with a heavy heart, for love will have to set its wings free and find a place where it belongs.We may have lost it, but then again, as we close our eyes and listen to the echoes of our heart we hear that feeling, whispering gently, then we will know that it has never left us, for the good that we have become because of love, will always stay, and it will always be there, reminding us that we should be thankful and happy not because we have lost love, but because for once in our lives, that feeling touched out hearts and made us happy.

It's OVER again..

Another JERK broke my heart.

It's the second time for us to make this relationship work. But then it didn't work again, maybe were not really meant for each other. I tried to love him again and in some way my feelings for him are slowly coming back. I was falling for him again when eventually we broke up. He knows that I still love my ex-boyfriend, I thought he accepted that cause he's not reacting about it. He said that he love me just like before but i was ignoring his love for me. but i can't feel it. i really can't. nn said that may be because I'm still longing for mark's love that's why i can't feel it. I think she's right but am i numb not to feel it? no matter what i do i can't help but compare him to mark.
He was my boyfriend when i was in third year. I left him because he's a little bit childish and i thought he wouldn't let me go but then he did. We became friends after the break up. I 've move on easily, may be because i don't love him that much and I've got my bestfriend to turn to. Whenever I got my heart broken for some stupid guy I don't felt that bad 'coz i know i still have my bestfriend to tell me that they're unworthy and that there'll be more boys to come. But now I don't have that bestfriend [mark] to tell me all these things. I do have some other bestfriends and friends but they're not like him. iba talaga pag si mark.

I'm so confused!

My boyfriend and I are back together. I should be happy right? but in someway I'm not. I don't know why. I love him and I wanna love him forever. No, not forever. I don't believe in forever, not anymore.. I used to but now it has become a lie. Forever isn't true. Anyway, I'm soooooo confused and hurt. Why? cause I still love my ex but I love my boyfriend and I'm falling for my other ex again and another ex. This isn't right. Why do I need to feel this?? I must choose whom i'm gonna stick with. But I think I already did. The moment that my boyfriend and I are back together it means that I chose him, right? but I'm still in love with mark, I love him so much! But I can't afford to lose another guy in my life. I don't want to be alone anymore.

..25..

"punta tayo ng ek sa christmas.. para magkasama tayo sa monthsary natin.
weeks passed
"december 20 alis namin papuntang singapore eh"
"panu yan? edi hndi na naman tayo magkasama"
"tatawagan na lang kita sa christmas.."
"gusto ko araw araw kang tatawag.."
"sige, itatry ko.."

Those lines were broken.
None of it will happen.
It's supposed to be our 7th montsary this Christmas.
Months before, we made a plan for this 2 events.

december 25--the most awaited event of the year. It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year. My Christmas this year is far different from all the Christmas that I had. Why? simply because I feel so incomplete. I feel so alone. I'm totally lost. It isn't just because of Mark but because of all the people around me--my family, friends and other people around. I'm ALONE. (not physically alone)

I don't know what's happening to me. My life is a mess. I feel like everyone thinks that I can't understand anything, that I can't do anything right. This has been the most crucial part of my life--losing the most important person in my life, my bestfriend and having rejected by many people including my family.
Now tell me, how can you have a merry christmas with this situation?

the BREAK-UP

Has the person you love–more than anything in the world–left you? Have you been dumped, slighted, walked out on, or deserted for another? Does your heart ache and ache endlessly? Have you lost sleep, your appetite, or even study habits? Are you caught in the grief? Do you rehash–over and over again–the breakup? How long will it last? How long before that empty feeling fades away? You try to go about your daily routine, try not to think about it too much. But it keeps coming back, sweeping over you like a wave. How long am I going to feel this way?

One of the most difficult things a person can endure is the loss of a relationship. When I hear from someone who is going through a romantic breakup, my heart truly breaks for them. Someone they loved is no longer theirs to love and the sadness in their words tells of, not only heartbreak, but a loss of self as well. It seems that one cannot go through a romantic loss without feeling that it's their fault, or that something is wrong with them.

In general, breakups happen because the two simply can't find happiness together. Either one or the other realizes that they aren't a perfect match and they decide that it's time to move on. Often they move on, emotionally, long before they move on physically. Aloofness, coldness, a tendency to start arguments are all signs of someone beginning to pull away. Even though it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, you have to let them go. For your own sake, as well as theirs, let go and move on - allowing them to do the same. The man or woman of your dreams may be just around the corner waiting for you. If you don't move on, you'll never find them!

How do you deal with the sadness in the meantime? First of all, stop kicking yourself. You are worthy of being loved! This particular relationship failed, you didn't. Learn from this lesson and move past it. Don't keep thinking about this person, by doing so you're just giving them more and more power to hurt you. There's a great saying, "If you want a certain trait, act as though you all ready have it." I can't overstate how much truth lies in these words. Act as though you've moved on, and before you know it - you will have moved on. When you see this person in public, don't look at them waiting for them to see you or speak - just go about your business, smile and live your life. Life's too short and precious not to be lived with a smile on your face.

Whatever you do, don't let thoughts of making this person jealous, or thoughts of bitterness enter into your mind. You're much better than that! Just keep saying, "I'm moving on." Pretty soon, you will have done just that.
In the meantime, keep busy. If you have someone to talk to, do so. But try to move past conversations centering around the loss as soon as possible. Concentrate on what you have rather than what you've lost. Above all, remember, love will come around again. But if you're looking back you'll miss it! Look forward, wear your best smile, and concentrate on getting the most from life. This sort of mentality and lifestyle will attract the sort of person you need in your life. The sort of person who'll make you smile so much your face hurts. He or she is out there waiting for you, maybe even going through what you're going through right now. The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll find real, lasting love. You deserve it!

Love Yourself!
It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

It was never meant to be

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be.

You know, I've never really understood what happened between us. How and why we came to this - not talking to each other for weeks at a time. But now, I wish that we’re just best friends with no commitment. I don’t know how it happened; we were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. You always referred to me as "julie ko" but we both know there's really nothing to it. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating and watching DVDs. We would always choose to closely sit next to each other and then we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other. We even had private jokes and code names that we didn't want to explain or share with anyone else and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren't doing anything at all. But what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games practically all the way.
After some time, things change. There was actually you and me. After 5 months you seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. We broke up. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for. But though I may not have said anything, I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment...of living on memories that are special only to me.

Thank you for everything..for taking away my insecurities; for showing me that people do love me for who I am; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far...that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time...for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I'm nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I'm sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.

I'm sorry things had to come to this. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended.

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that I should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy even if it isn't with each other.
I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you.

Wherever life may lead us from here..good luck!

MARK-my habit, my dream, my life

When I was a child I was thinking that a prince would take me away to our fantasy, a superman who'll always be there to help and save me and a Harry Potter who can magically take away my fears, pain and troubles away by just one flick. I dreamt of that person and it came true but now I'm dreaming again. Dreaming not because I'm hoping to find him. I'm dreaming because I want him to be mine AGAIN.

I found that TEDDY BEAR who I want to have, hold and hug. I want him. I need him. It's hard to sleep without him. I love him. Sadly, I can't have him-not anymore.

He was the one I'm dreaming of. He's the perfect guy that I've been hoping to find. All in one--smart, kind, cute I should say. He has it all. All I could ever ask. All I could ever need. All I could ever want.
But now he'll be forever a dream to me. A dream that will never come true AGAIN.

from zero gravity to the full gravity

Gravity?? Something that pulls you back to the gr0und. How come we have gravity? What if we have "zero" gravity? Well, in someways we might have felt our own zero gravity.. falling in love is the same as the feeling of walking in space, like stepping in to the moon. I had felt like flying ever since I had him. He shows me and everyone that he cares and that he loves me. He makes me smile, and makes me feel so c0mf0rtable with everything. How nice is that??!! but eventually fr0m flying to the air, i got to swimming into the sand.. from walking to the moon i ended up to walking to the inner core of the earth.. from zero gravity to full gravity. Why?? it's simply because i got hurt and cut deeply.. from making me feel special, he made me feel s0 low.. LOWER THAN THE FLOOR!!! i really can't help myself fr0m crying! i couldn't tell him what i totally feel, i couldn’t yell at him and i couldn’t just slap him... thats hard!! its because I don't want him to feel what i felt. I want to wake him up! and i want to wake myself up.
see.. I've always got this 0ne pers0n i could always ask for advice and be honest t0, specially when I needed the "words of wisdom" in my very doubtful moments. Actually he's my ex.. started as friends then became bestfriends that became lovers and then the break-up. Eversince we broke up, we had a gap. He changed and i hate it when he acts different cause it makes me act different too. It made me feel very low. It's like the world fell into my lap! It maybe a small reason to others for me to act so dramatic but it's such a big deal for me cause I really love him as my bestfriend, as my lover, as my ex.. as everything! I love him just the way that he was bef0re.. before everything got nuts and crazy.. before everythng changed.. can you just tell me how you feel, I just can't understand everything!! EVERYTHING!!! where are you now?? you're supposed to be the one beside me when I'm confused, when I'm troubled.. i don't know what would happen. please don't make it so hard for me! It affects me a lot! I want the old you back, i want you back.. i hate to hate you.. i hate losing you..


LOSING THE LOVE
There are days when I regret it
The things I said to you
I put my trust in no one
It broke my heart and I blamed it on you
You were kind and oh so gentle
But I refused to see
That someone like you existed
I was somewhere in denial
While you were loving me
I cried myself to sleep last night
When I woke up
There were tear stains on my pillow
It hurt so much to sacrifice what I gave up
Without you in my life
I will always feel lonely
Losing the love
From someone like you

Not a day goes by without something
Reminding me of you
The truth is that I miss you
It gets so hard not being with you
There are times when I go crazy
In the twilight of the night
How I long to be your woman again
Theres pain that I hold
That will not let me go
I dont wanna make this too hard
But I just wanna be where you are
In your life, by your side, forever..

I still love you..but i hate you!!

i wrote this blog on November 27, 2006 on my friendster blog.

You're so mean to me..I don't know why do you even bother to hurt me..why do you have to let me know that you're mad at me?? so many times you've hurt me..so many tears I've cried..you're over doing it all again..is there anyway for us to stay the same as before?? But you gave up on me..I'm wondering, what did i ever do to you for you to hurt me that way? You've been hurting me eversince we broke up!! You're hurting me everyday, every minute, every second..and it pains me a lot!! I don't know why it doesn't stop me from loving you so much..you might call me crazy but i do love you so much!

i love you more and more each day..

are we too late? am i too soon?

every second counts! yah.. totaLLy.. absoLuteLy... defintLy true!!! the speed of our actions and life cycLe depends on our time(our Limited time)... in every aspect of life from the simplest to the broadest things tym is s0 much important and s0 much there dat it feels lyk tym is chasing you, time is faster dan you dat it makes you hurry more! it makes you do things faster c0z time is making u do so.. but... why is it that wen it comes to moving on... time is sLow........... s0 sLow......... you get hurt, you try to get heaLed, you try to forget it, try to stop your mending heart and try to move 0n... but the fact is, it's harder than wat u think and harder than wat u say... its s0 hard for us to move 0n speciaLLy wen it is s0 hurtfuL or wen we truLy love dem, fr0m a 360 km/h it changes to a 36 km/h Sometimes it feeLs Like we're heaLing and starting to muv on, but den a moment wouLd cum that wouLd change that feeLing and wouLd bring us to the starting point of the hurt, and begin to start agen from the top sLowering us d0wn.. i know, it's reaLLy annoying!!! how cum dey say time wiLL heaL everything esp the wounds in our hearts?? in my opinion, it doesn't,,you don't get over the pain..you juz learn to get along with the pain and live with it..through time..

i really wanted to move on..and im starting to..but how?? how can i move on if you still want to hurt me?? im already starting to let go of you but you wouldn't let me..you still want to hurt me..

w8,nahihirapan nko mag-english..bt kylngan mo pang sbhn sa mga kaibigan q n galit k skn?? bt kylngan mong manumbat? oo,alm ko na tinaggap mko ng buong-buo, tinggap mo ko despite ol the stupid things that i did..pero hndi q nmn hiniling sau n tnggapn mko bgo mko mhalin..thankful aq dhl tinggap mko kht gnun yng past lyf q pero d m nmn kylngn isumbat skn un..dhl tinanggap dn nmn kta..tska yng cnsb mong gnyn p igaganti q sau?? hello? aq p ngaun ang gumaganti,,la nga akng gngwa sau,dna nga kta pnapncn..tpos ssbhn m gumaganti aq..saang praan kta ginagantihan? sbhn m nga..yng kay marie ba? anu bng gnwa q sknya? e xa 'tong d kumakausap skn cmula nung pgtps ng bakasyon..grbe,sket nmn nun,,sbra k nmn, sna naicp m n nssktan aq,,sna lng!! gs2 sna kta kausapn kaso nung tnwg kta prang ibng tao n kausap q..gs2 q lng nmn aucn n ang lht kht pgtpos nun wg n tau mgusap kht klan..gs2 q lng n linawin ang lht..gs2 q ng lgyn ng formal CLOSURE yng relationship ntn as well as friendship..lm q nmn kc wla n tlgng pag-asa..s pnapakta m skn,ibang-iba kna tlga..sna lng mgng msya k s desisyon mo [mkha nmn msya kn tlga e] lge mong tandaan mahal na mahal pa rin kita..at kng hndi k man bblik kht klan,ttngapn q un..kakayanin kong wla ka..pero sna lng wg m nko sktan..wg m nlng akng tgnan..wg m nren akong pancnin..

Dans ma vie toute que j'ai besoin est vous. Mais vous m'avez laissé quand j'ai eu besoin de vous plus. Je ne sais pas si je si la parole immobile ceci. Mais, mon amour, je vous aime toujours.
----->>it means..
In my life all I need is you.. But you left me when I needed you most.. I don't know if I should still say this.. But, my love, I still love you..

Letting go..

i wrote this blog on November 23, 2006 on my friendster blog.

As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted, just sorting out my life -- I never really realized what loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though things were going so good until one day you left without a single trace. All of our plans for the future were shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together. You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day they'll be gone just like you.

I'm trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me. I dream about you every day and pray that you'll come back, but it's hopeless. There's no use in pretending, cause deep down in my heart I know you've found another. Someone to take my place, someone who'll love you -- but never like I loved you. And even though you've found another, I'll be true to you, even though you've asked me not to .

My life seems so meaningless now. I'm useless - why was I ever placed on this earth? People tell me that another will come along and take your place, but where is he? Who is he? Sometimes I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I can't. My spirits won't let me. I must go on - with or without you. The things that ever really meant anything to me are gone - vanished - never to come back to me again. All I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping away too ...

I have to get a grip on myself -- I can't let this get me down. Life must go on. Maybe it's good that the memories are going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as it seems now. I don't hold it against you because you left me. It's like they always say, "Let him go and if he really loves you, he'll come back to you." But it's not that simple, now is it? The only way to have true love is to realize that someday it might be lost.

The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come back - I actually don't know if I would take you back. coz I don't deserve such pain and torture. You left me once, you could do it again.

You never notice me as I walk past you in the hall. No matter how hard I try for you to see me it never seems to work. I'm invisible to you now like a wandering ghost with no past, present, or future. Your so busy with other girls you never take the chance to see me right in front of you. I guess it’s pointless to hold on to something I'll never grasp in my entire life. So I'm giving up on you now and forever. I guess this is good-bye to you from me because I'm tired of waiting for you to turn around and see me right there where I've always been.

Sometimes, we have to let go of someone we care for very deeply when we realize that person does not care for us in the same way. Maybe it is best to leave them remembering us with whatever kind of feeling they do have for us. It may not be possible to hide our own deeper feelings for that person, which could make their life uncomfortable. Letting Go may be the best gift we can give them because they may realize how we feel, yet care enough not to want to hurt us.

I cannot promise not to cry, but I do love you my friend,
I guess this is my last goodbye.


I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn
So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and nowI dont care,
I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right,
Im torn

Loving you from afar..

i wrote this blog on November 14, 2006 on my friendster blog.

I understand sadness. I understand losing someone whom I love so much and it hurts like hell but hurting myself will not bring things back, or even make the pain go away.

I had to let go of what I thought I owned. It hurts, yes-a lot actually but getting thru each day made me realize that the world will just keep on turning and I have to continue breathing even if he's not around. So I got to move on, face the world after he ruined it and prove that I can be better than what he used to have in me.

I learned that when you love, make sure that you are open to the possibility of getting hurt for. When you love you risk the chance of getting hurt and letting go of the person and when you let go, it's just another way of saying I love you in a painful way to that person because you are allowing him to be happier even if it means without you in his life.

Letting go does not mean giving up, but accepting that there are things that are not meant to be. Many people say that he doesn't deserve my love but what he is showing me right now looks like that I'm the one who doesn't deserve him.

Our friendship was destroyed. We're not talking to each other anymore. I'm invisible to him. My heart was totally wrecked. Maybe some people see me that I'm happy [im not crying everyday like before] they might see me smiling and laughing again but behind those sweet smiles are bitter pains.Yes, I'm still in pain. I know that I can live without him but I assure you that my life would be so incomplete without him in it. I don't know why I am being so martyr but there's one thing that I know-- I had fallen so deeply in love with him accidentally. I never thought that I will love him more than anyone else. I love him more and more each day which makes me miss him so much and hurts me so much. I know that there's no such thing as perfect but there's obly one person who's perfect for me and I think it's him but I'm not sure if I'm perfect for him.

Now that he is no longer mine, I have to move on with my life without him even if I see him everyday. I will just love him from afar.

**mamahalin kita habang buhay**

I had been floating on a fake cloud

I wrote this blog on November 9, 2006 on my friendster blog.

today, I finally saw the real MARK.
I see him so perfect before, he was too good to be true. I THOUGHT I know him. He's my best friend and I have known him for years but now he showed me his real color.--a selfish, obnoxious, a sham.

Weeks have passed after our break up but still, I’m not yet ready to move on until something happened today. I saw him with another girl, the girl I used to talk about in my recent blog [I planted my tree of life in him]. It was late at night when we finish our practice in cheering, I saw them together. It was raining. My tears are falling with the rain. I had no umbrella, ‘coz my umbrella is still in him. Good thing my friends are there. When we ride the jeep, I saw them crossing the street. The rain had stopped. I cried so hard. So hard, that the passengers in the jeepney could hear it. My friends decided to accompany me in my house ‘coz they were afraid that I might do something bad. While walking on the street, I can’t hardly breathe and walk because of so much crying and because of it I lose my balance and collapse. My friends carried me to my house, they lay me down in the sofa. They say that I was like possessed by a bad spirit. My mommy went down and carried me. My relatives gathered together because of me. My friends told them what had happened then they left the house, I didn’t even say goodbye or thank you to them ‘coz I was still crying so hard that I didn’t even know what I was doing. After some time, I calmed down. My mommy talked to me and gave me advice. She hugged me a lot and kissed me a lot on that day. It’s nice to think that every time I cry there’s so many people who wants to stop me from crying and showing there concern but then it came to my mind that the person I used to turn to when I’m crying and the only person who can stop me from crying is now the person who’s making me cry. It’s very painful to know that the person you thought you knew is now a stranger to you.

Hindi ko inakala na magagawa niya skn yng gn2..msket n nga yng fact n hnd nia nko bngyn ng chnce, n ndi n kme ngppncnan, n ayw nia n..tnggap q n un kht msket pro yng mlamn ko png may hinahatid na xa agd n iba,sobra nmn n ata un 2weeks plng kmeng break tpos gnun n.. lm kong la nkong krpatan n mangialm s gs2 niang gwin pro sna nmn naicp nia n may mssktn xang tao bgo nia gnwa..d q 2loy maicp pnu nia nagagawang sktan aq ng gnun,prng npkadali sknya ang gwin un..tpos s clasrum mkhng msya p xa..pg umiiyak aq,d man lng aq nilalapitan,sbe nga n ron, anung klaseng lalaki un..hai,tpos yng girl nmn napakaplastic!!nung kme pa ni mark,2wing mlungkot aq or 2wing nagaaway kme lge nia kong pnapangiti or prng tlgang nagaalala xa,,grbe sbrng plastic!!kya pla dte yng shout out nia”hai,lungkot nmn” kht nung cla p nung x nia,tpos nung ngbrk kme, tska nia lng pnalitan n “sya ng lyf” tpos my blog p xa na msya dw tlga xa,etc..HAI,sbe nga n iron pg ang x q dw tnpon q n,sn p nga b ppnta kundi s PLASTIC..kc dba ang basura nilalagay s PLASTIC!!shet!pnu p q magttwla n2?pnu p q mgmmhal ult? kng yng taong akala q kilalang-kilala ko e kya akng sktn ng gn2,wt mre p kya pg ndi q bstfrnd??
But then behind all of these, I’ve learned so many things..
It’s just so hard to accept it but then let God help us to accept things whole heartedly and remember that there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I don’t know how long I will be in storm but one thing's for sure, my friends and family will be there to shelter me. I have to be strong, and I believe I am.

**My heart now is like a wilting and dying rose. You trampled the most fragile in my body and you didn't even know it. I never wanted to leave your side and I'm so afraid to lose you but then the reality hit. Mark, if ever you read this I'm sorry for what I have said about you. I just hope that you'd understand me. Please be reminded that I still love you but I hate you.**

LIVING the dream and now LEAVING the dream

I wrote this blog on November 8, 2006 on my friendster blog.
Once I dreamed of having him and it came true but now I was awakened from this dream I wished was true .
hai, grabe tlga yng feeling ng gn2..nkkta q nga xa pero d q xa mksma..ayko n xa mkta, lalo lng akng naiinlab sknya tska lalo lng akng nssktan..walang arw n ndi aq umiyak nang dhil sknya..sobrang mahal q p dn xa..nkkainz p yng mga mhilg pumaligid sknya,lm kong wla n kong ryt pero tlgang nagseselos aq..mga taong un tlgang wlng pkrmdm,"nging" kaibigan q p man dn cla..grbe..sbra..parang unti-unti nla kong pnapatay..i feel so weak nd helpless.i feel so alone..ndi q n mkya..lht nlng msket skn,buong ktwan q msket, pti ulo q,mata,lalamunan lalo n puso..parang mababaliw nko..grbe,ngaun lng aq nkranas ng gn2..d q tlga ineexpect n mggng gn2 resulta ng relationship nmin..sna ngng mgkaibigan nlng kme pra atleast tlgng mgttgal..kc ngaun nwlan nko ng boyfriend pti bestfriend..kaya sbrng sket tlga..ndi q nga lm kng may nrrmdman p xa skn kht unti, pero d nmn gnun kdali mwla un dba..pero ewn q sknya..hai,kng klan aq ngng serious tska aq gagantuhin..hai, bhla n c God..sna lng mkayanan q p..mdlas nga naiicp q n sna may amnesia nlng aq pra d q n mafeel yng pain..ayko tlga mwla xa pero la nmn nko mgwa kng yw nia n tlga..gnwa q n yng part q, kng mhl nia tlga q,ggwa xa praan pra mgkblikan kme..kaso ma-prinsipyo kc xa eh..halos lht kc ng guys,tngin nla love is NOT ruled by Love but by Principle..
hai,gn2 n routine q arw2--sa umaga iiyak,tpos sa classrum phinto hinto..den sa gbe ulet pgkaowe q..mdlas 2loy naiicp q, buti p xa msya..kc aq PINIPILIT q lng msya,mnsan nppgod nren akng mgng mlungkot,ndi q nmn tlga obligayson n mgng mlungkot un lng tlga nafifil q lalo n pg nasa classrum tska kpg la aq gngwa..kya nga gs2 q lge me bc,bti nlng lgng my prkts kaso andun dn xa..2ld knina,syang ung moment sna kme pa..tpos may js p ngaun tska grad ball..sna tlga kme pa..sbe nia, dme dw nia namiss sa 4th yr life,,duh,anu nmn kya un..tska pde nmn ndi nia mamiz yng mga gs2 nia,pde nmn n mgksma kme n maexperience yng mga gs2 nia as a 4th yr student..pero as 4 now,la tlga q mggwa..sbe nga ni ron,bgyn q nmn dw khhyan srili q,mgkaron nmn dw aq ng onting pride..e kaso nga WLA na eh! kng klan ok n lht..maayos n buhay q,pdeng pde n xa bmlik..ngbgo nko..ndi nq mapride,wla nkong kaaway..lm q n lht ng pgkakamali q kaso nsa sknya prn un kng pgbbgyn nia q..sna mbsa nia 'to..
nung ngbrk kme,sbe q "sayang" sbe nia ok lng dw..grbe,sket..prng gnun lng kdli sknya itapon lht ng pnagdaanan nmin..sbe nga ni nn,sna dw 4 once gmtin nmn nla ni bert yng puso nla,ndi utak,2ld ni erick..hai,gnun b tlga pg ms mtlino yng guy ksa s girl..pero bqt nmn c erick..sbgay d nmn cla parepareho..ei, mark dba klan lng npgusapn n ntn bout dun s u'd stil gve m chnce if evr mgkmli aq,pmyg k nmn pro d m nmn pla 22parin..ur so unfair,umasa kc aq s cnb m..aq ilang bses kta pnagbgyan bt kw d m mgwa?? mnsan lng aq mgkamali tpos gnyan kpa skn..pnglwang bses p lng aq hihngi ng chnce sau,yw m pa..

It's OVER

i wrote this blog on OCTOBER 25 on my friendster blog.

"It's our monthsary today and we broke up."

We had an argument this morning; it's about our time together. We we're lacking of time because of so many activities in school. I shouted and cry at him during recess time. I know it was so embarrassing for the two of us but I can't control myself. I know I was wrong about that. I even said so many things without thinking twice that would really hurt him. I shouldn't say all those words. After recess, I broke up with him. He asked me if that was what I really want, I didn't answer him but in my mind and heart I really want to continue with our relationship. I THOUGHT he wouldn't let it happen, but then at lunch time HE DID. When I got home at lunch I called him on the phone, I asked why he didn't wait for me. He said "bakit?" then I said "anung bakit?" then he said "bakit pa..e dba break na.." I cried over the phone, I pleaded him to give me one last chance. But he wouldn't. At that moment my mind was a blur. It's like my world has crashed down. I felt like dying. IT WAS PAINFUL. I put down the phone then I pack all my things and I went straight to his house without having lunch. Unluckily the jeep change his route so I have to went down and walk to his house. At that time it was raining and the way to his house is flooded. As a result I ended up walking in the flood. When I got there his mother let me borrowed his ate's socks and shoes but the shoes would not fit so they let me borrow his lola's shoes. We ride in a pedicab and we talked. I cried at him, I pleaded him all over again. My mouth would not stop on uttering the words "cge na..pls.." At this point in time, I didn't only lower my pride instead I had no pride at all. I didn't stop apologizing and pleading to him until science time. I asked him "anu bang gagawin ko para pumayag ka?" he said "wala, pakawalan mo na lang ako" I asked him the same question over again "bakit? hindi mo na ba ko mahal?" then he would always reply "hindi na" [it was the most painful words that i heard] I told him to look at me and repeat what he said and he did. He look at me straight to the eyes and said "hindi na talaga" I told him "sbe mo nun na kht magbreak hndi nmn mwwla yng love m skn" then he said "yng love, as a friend" then after our long conversation, I stopped. I had no choice but to let this happen. It was just so sad that we ended up like this. At PE time he didn't leave me. I asked for a favor. I asked him if he could be my boyfriend until this day only and tomorrow he will no longer be mine. He immediately agreed without thinking twice. He went to my house in the evening to give me back my shoes which I left at his house. He didn't stay long 'coz it a little late. Before he leave, we kissed and hug each other. IT WAS PAINFUL. I wanted to cry but he told me earlier not to. Then he left me with the words "I LOVE YOU.."

I never thought that it would end up like this. He’s my best friend even before we enter this relationship; it’s hard to bring back the friendship.
I don't know how long these heartaches would last but I will never stop waiting for him to come back.